Prostate Cancer and Dating: When and How to Tell Someone About Your Diagnosis

From everydayhealth.com

When you have prostate cancer, dating can feel more like a minefield than a walk in the park. What’s the right time to tell a potential partner about your condition? And how should you bring it up? 

It’s normal to feel anxious and fear rejection while also balancing your desire for privacy and feelings of obligation to talk about your symptoms from treatment, which may include sexual dysfunction and low libido. But it’s also possible to navigate the challenges of a prostate cancer diagnosis and experience connection and intimacy.

When Is It the ‘Right’ Time?

You have full control over how and when you share details of your prostate cancer diagnosis with a dating partner. If you’re not sure how you want to handle it, you can start by looking at a few factors.

Emotional Readiness

Regardless of how your potential partner may feel about dating someone with cancer, it’s important to understand if you are ready for dating. 

A prostate cancer diagnosis can spark a wide range of emotions, including anger, grief, and fear, says Brandi Jurecek, LCSW, a social worker at Texas Oncology in Plano, Texas. 

“It can cause a shift in identity that requires time to understand, adapt to, and accept,” she says. 

Ask yourself if you still feel emotionally overwhelmed by your diagnosis or if you feel you have the emotional space to connect with someone new, Jurecek says. 

Now vs. Later: Pros and Cons

Sharing a prostate cancer diagnosis and its various treatment side effects on a first date may feel too early. But it can also “weed out” bad matches quickly. 

You can also wait until you establish some trust before you share. Just be sure to discuss any sexual side effects of prostate cancer well before a sexual encounter, says Justin Dubin, MD, a urologist and the director of men’s sexual health at Baptist Health Miami Cancer Institute in Florida. Avoiding or burying the issue may lead to hurt and resentment.

If You Don’t Feel Ready to Talk About It

If you can’t imagine telling a date about your diagnosis but don’t know how to move forward, you have options. Dr. Dubin strongly recommends joining a support group for men experiencing similar symptoms and challenges. It helps to hear others’ stories and be part of a community, he says, and it can raise your comfort level if you don’t otherwise know how to do it.

Dubin also recommends sex therapy, which focuses on sexual health. It can help you get the most out of intimate moments and communicate your sexual limitations and desires to a partner.

It may also help to make sure you understand your condition, too. Especially if your diagnosis is new, consider asking your oncologist and healthcare team about potential sexual problems that your treatment might cause, when those problems might occur, and any support groups they might recommend.

How to Start the Conversation

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Even if you feel ready to tell a potential partner about your diagnosis, you may not know where to start. 

“Language is important when sharing personal information,” says Jurecek, who suggests framing your cancer diagnosis as an event you have successfully navigated instead of an uncomfortable confession.

“Cancer is something that you have experienced, not something that defines you,” she says. 

Conversation starters, she says, may include:

• “I have enjoyed getting to know you and would like to share something about myself.”
• "I want to be open with you about something I've been navigating." 
• "I've had some health challenges recently that I'd like to share." 

“Instead of sharing your diagnosis as something embarrassing, use confident language that focuses on honesty and resilience,” Jurecek says. 

As an example, she suggests saying: “I had prostate cancer, went through treatment, and now I am doing well. I think honesty is important as we get to know each other.”

If you are nervous, try practicing what you want to say in advance to ensure you are comfortable delivering it.

Addressing the ‘Elephants in the Room’: Side Effects and Intimacy

Conversations about sexual function can feel awkward, especially with someone you don’t know well yet. Prostate cancer and its treatment can cause erectile dysfunction and incontinence, which can be difficult to talk about. But if you use empowering language, you can explain your sexual journey with confidence.

For example, you can describe your current symptoms and also discuss treatment options you’re considering and the possibility of symptoms fading after a while. It can take months or years, but many men notice a return in erectile function, says Hugh J. Lavery, MD, the chief of the division of urology at Stamford Health in Connecticut. 

Sexual-dysfunction treatment options may include oral medications such as sildenafil (Viagra), medications injected into the penis, and pumps and prosthetic devices, Dr. Lavery says. If you leak urine during sex, you can have a cuff surgically placed around your urethra, which you pump up to block urine when needed, he says.

Remember that intimacy itself takes many forms, and you don’t have to have penetrative sex to share intimate moments with a partner. Oral sex, touching, mutual masturbation, heavy kissing, and sex toys could be possibilities, Dubin says. Ask your doctor if there are additional limitations for you based on your condition and treatment.

“Healthy intimacy during treatment focuses on a couple’s ability to be open, talk through feelings and fears, and find new ways to connect if the sexual side of the relationship looks different,” Jurecek says. 

Remember to be patient with yourself and your partner because it will take time to figure out your new sexual normal, she says. 

Navigating the Reaction

With or without prostate cancer, the fear of rejection after a date might hover like a gray cloud on the horizon. But after you share your prostate cancer journey, your potential partners may respond with compassion, acceptance, and no loss of interest.

If they don’t, it’s normal to feel hurt and ashamed, Jurecek says. 

“It is important to recognize that the reaction is not reflective of your worth but that person’s inability to handle the situation,” she says. 

After a poor reaction, reach out to your sex therapist, support group, or loved one, Dubin says. If you don’t have a community to lean on yet, your healthcare team can help you find resources.

Although dating can be tough, you deserve the relationship you want. Keep trying and remember that open communication is the key to strong relationships. 

“The right person will respond with compassion and kindness and will not be afraid to engage in a meaningful relationship,” Jurecek says.

The Takeaway

• Navigating dating with a prostate cancer diagnosis can be challenging. But open communication and honest conversations can foster meaningful connections and intimate relationships.
• The “right time” to tell a partner about your diagnosis is up to you. It depends on your own emotional readiness, and it may be more of a process than a one-time conversation.
• Remember to use empowering language when you tell your date about your diagnosis. Instead of apologizing for your condition or limitations, frame your journey as overcoming a challenge.
• Your healthcare team, as well as support groups and therapists, can help you understand your condition and build your comfort with intimacy and sharing potential side effects of your treatment.

https://www.everydayhealth.com/cancer/prostate-cancer-and-dating-how-to-tell-someone/